What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
You Might Also Like
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!