*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I’m going to need a moment here.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.