@doktorj

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

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@maurajbg

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

@AKackley

Me : I wanna go home
Boss: where’s your dedication?
Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?

@JillianKarger

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

@noodlegrip

[cute girl slides me note]

Do you like me? Yes or No

[I slide note back]

Are you a robot? Circle all the traffic lights

@heatherlarson77

Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@MatCro

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

@FeverFlave

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?