Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
You Might Also Like
synchronized noseblowing
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Solving a traffic jam
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Snapes on a plane.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Steam Forums
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.