Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
haha same
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.