lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

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Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.


the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you


Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao


Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are


If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.


[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*


professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who


Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.


This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: