@IndecisiveJones

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

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@kimmer4667

Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.

@PaperWash

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@heathesauruss

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

@TheTweetOfGod

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.

@ObscureGent

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

@FredTaming

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

@dafloydsta

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

@LionessElise

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: