lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
That de-escalated quickly
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
crazy
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart