@RobDenBleyker

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

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@AnitaHelmet

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

@animaldrumss

[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image

@BarryVonAwesome

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

@squirrel74wkgn

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

@muse_me_again

Just once when someone says, “Is anyone there?” in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. “What up. I’m over here. You got me.”

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages