@RobDenBleyker

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

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@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@adam_bloomquist

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@TheTweetOfGod

Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

@notalogin

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

@TheAlexNevil

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

@lisaxy424

1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh