Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
You Might Also Like
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”