Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Me: *closes eyes*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
*knock on the door
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg