Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
o shit
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.