[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Dude, multiplication is like advanced adding.
Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door