@TheBoydP

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

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@junejuly12

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

@onion_an

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

@Jennuflect

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

@aimlessamers

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

@roxiqt

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

@DelanieFischer

Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.

@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY

Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT

@seamussaid

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door