Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
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My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
titanic
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
The French cow says MEUX…
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
BaD BoY!!
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”