When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
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Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I’d never ask anyone to “jazz” all over my face.
Did King Kong really think he was gonna date that lady?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
maybe amazon should keep their opinions to themselves
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan