Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
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Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
This hospital has everything
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk