One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
the #horror is real!
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired