Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
You Might Also Like
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car