life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
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At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?