People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
🤣
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: