@prufrockluvsong

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

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@JoshuaGrubbsPhD

An apology, to my wife:

I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game

The five year old
Kept yelling
‘Yippee Ki Yay’

I did not think.
Instinctively, I
Finished the phrase.

And now he knows
A new word.

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

@onion_an

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

@DarzieDAMN

It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.

@UncleDuke1969

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

@noodlegrip

A baby squash is born and as the father beholds it for the first time his eyes dart suspiciously towards his friends butter and nut

@Samigrl2

The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.

@LostFelicia

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.