Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

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[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location


Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

You’re literally sitting next to me.


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.


Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions


Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst


“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”


Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.


THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.