An apology, to my wife:
I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game
The five year old
‘Yippee Ki Yay’
I did not think.
Finished the phrase.
And now he knows
A new word.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
A baby squash is born and as the father beholds it for the first time his eyes dart suspiciously towards his friends butter and nut
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.