Gf: I have 30min
Me: you thinking what im thinking?
Gf: oh yea *starts undressing
Me: *googles closest laser tag location
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.