[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance