Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.