Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day