@margolundy

Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.

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@theames

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

@Skoog

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

@archerenemy

After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…

@michael_J_m00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@Laser_Cat

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

@existentialcoms

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

@TheBoydP

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

@WickedCynic

Autocorrect changed “meeting” to “mating” and now my boss and I aren’t meeting with Bob after work.