Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.

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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.


WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?


me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY


After 2 divorces, I gave up on that ‘dream girl’ shit long ago.

At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I’ll talk to her…


Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.


When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.


“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.


I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?


Autocorrect changed “meeting” to “mating” and now my boss and I aren’t meeting with Bob after work.