Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Webb. James Webb.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side