15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers