LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
If you love someone, let them sleep.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Perfection.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME