Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.