LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

You Might Also Like


calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves


THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird


[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]


The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.


SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR


I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.


It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.


Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.


[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.


Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand