LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
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Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.