@chuuew

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

@hippieswordfish

THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird

@Kyle_Lippert

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

@michaelianblack

The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.

@jonnysun

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

@D2BMcG

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

@Gooooats

It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.

@writersdream

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

@UncleDuke1969

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

@Burger_Time_

Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand