life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news