LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Most fashion shows these days…
Ah yes. The three genders
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??