Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
nyc:
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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