LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Every haunted house movie:
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
LMAO.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that