LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.