8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: I’m nauseous.
WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.