@funnyordie

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

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@thepaulahunt

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@3sunzzz

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

@jackiembouvier

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

@averagegrades

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

@underchilde

Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it’s a seance and you’re dead.

@AlexvanBeek

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.