@funnyordie: LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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@DanMentos: "Hello?" Dad come get me from practice "Sorry I'm going into a tunnel" *sound of mom giggling* But I called the *connection drops* …landline
@DebasaurusRex: I won't be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
@sixthformpoet: A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
@truegritrumble: ME: I don't know if I'm ready for this...emotionally. CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.