LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You Might Also Like
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”