LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
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Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.