@sir_shithead_I

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

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@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

@Michael1979

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@DanMentos

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

@tedalexandro

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

@GloriaFallon123

To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”

@JimmerThatisAll

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?