@sir_shithead_I

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

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@funflaps

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

@RoosterMustache

ME: want anything for breakfast?

BOSS: just banana

[struggling to hold office door shut]

ANA: let me in!

ME: sorry boss said to ban you

@sskylark

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

@RachelNoise

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

@sweet_pea707

HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?

Me: I have a boyfriend

HR: Ok, sorry to bother you

@shanethevein

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

@ChicorelliStar

Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.