Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
You Might Also Like
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
synchronized noseblowing