Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
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*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth