Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”