Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
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Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.