Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble