Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.