Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Meow?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.