@DainWins

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

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@alispagnola

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

@heidi420x

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

@HenpeckedHal

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

@ikpsgill1

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

@dadmann_walking

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

@WheelTod

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

@gitson_shiggles

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.