Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”