Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

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Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.


“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party


I keep getting people asking me if the coronavirus can be spread through sexual contact even if there is no exchange of air or touching of faces. If you can get this accomplished from 6 feet away, congratulations to both of you


[first day as a serial killer]

Victim: you ok?

Me: there’s just so much blood


I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.


Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.


Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?


Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]


I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.