Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.