Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”



All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat


*widow rolls eyes*


I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.


When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.


[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”


I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.


The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…


Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to


“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”