LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don’t even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It’s so sweet

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Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.


I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.


Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?


Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.


If you smell something bad never ask what it is. Someone could say it is your upper lip. There is no known comeback for this


I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.


Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork


me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]


The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.


The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.