Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!