Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.
there are 2 genders…
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?