LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I am HOWLING at this