@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

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@DadandBuried

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

@ceejoyner

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

@SortaBad

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

@aparnapkin

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@Book_Krazy

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

@Mr_Kapowski

If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?