I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.