Life hack
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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Whisper out to librarians!
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.