Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
You Might Also Like
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.