life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
When ur friends with white people
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.