@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

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@TEXASVETERAN

I just read a bumper sticker that said, “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you love Satan.”

Sent from iPhone.

@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

@PinkCamoTO

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

@MrGeorgeWallace

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

@nefariousPeterD

Damn, you know you’re getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile

@MdUNH

*hires skywriter*

$1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*