life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason
If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.
Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.