I just read a bumper sticker that said, “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you love Satan.”
Sent from iPhone.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Damn, you know you’re getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile
$1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*