@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

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@david8hughes

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

@Cpin42

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

@DeanOkay

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

@ibid78

GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason

@shadonium

If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I

@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@FierceMess

If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.

Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.