Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.

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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.


Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!


ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no


Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.


I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!


I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.


I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing