If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*