Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
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Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!
Very funny Mom!
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Why font matters.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing