here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My background check bounced.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me, in DM rooms…
Breaking news:
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too