Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
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ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.