My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
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witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts